Washing Feet: An Example of Service or Something More?

Jesus Washing Peter's Feet by Ford Madox Brown 1852-6 So, during supper, fully aware that the Father had put everything into his power and that he had come from God and was returning to God, he rose from supper and took off his outer garments. He took a towel and tied around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and dry them with the towel around his waist. - John 13:2-5 Today, in 2024 A.D., we don't give much thought to these few sentences. The impact of the activity of Jesus is lost on us because a) We wear shoes everywhere. Many of us even have "inside shoes" and "outside shoes". b) The Church's liturgy (as popularly practiced) often misses or lessens the importance of this event (pro tip: it's not simply Jesus giving and example of serving others). Contrary to what we see in the movies, the roads in the time of Jesus weren't all covered in perfectly placed cobblestones or silky, fine dust. If r

Peace in the Pews

Taking Kids to Mass-

Over the past few weeks this subject has come up many times in conversation and online. One person asked how to keep kids from using the Palms as "swords" at Mass and breaking them into a million little pieces. On a blog there was some lively debate on the practice of splitting up the Masses - mom goes to one mass while dad watches the kids, then dad goes to mass while mom watches the kids.

My wife and I are no experts on taking children to Mass but we know that that last practice is certainly not for our family. So, here on my humble little blog, I would like to offer some of the practices that we use for maintaining peace in the pews.

First, and this may fill the most disciplined parents with fear, we sit in the very front pew. The major reason for this move is that 99% of the would be distractions are behind us, literally. I can't tell you how many times I have been the one frustrated with people sitting in the pews around us making faces at the boys and basically playing with them. This does not help my wife and me "train" them to behave in Church. Therefore, sitting up front is the best policy we have in place. In fact, now our boys would not want to sit anywhere else. They like to see what is going on, and here they have a clear view. They have a full 180 degree field of vision. Anything beyond that results in a tap on the shoulder.

Second, mom and dad act like bookends. Gentleman-like, I let my wife go in the pew first, then the munchkins and then finally myself. This eliminates the chances of a little sprinter heading back up the isle or up on the altar. This, by the way, was learned the hard way! By keeping the boys between mom and dad, every child is within reach and no "playing" on the kneelers, pew, etc. occurs.

Third, no extras. This means that we don't allow toys, crayons, food, or books, unless they are prayer books. The toys that were meant to keep them busy become a object to fight over. The crayons only get lost, ground into the pew padding or melted in some body's good church pants. Food, even Cheerios, in our opinion is simply disrespectful.

Fourth, when a child must be removed it is not fun for the child. Whenever, we are forced to take one of the boys out that child has to stay in our arms. The only choice he has is to stand in the back of church (cry room, hall) or go back to the pew. It doesn't take long for the the child to reason that sitting on the pew with mom or dad and siblings is much more pleasant than having to be held in the back of church. If we were to let them down and run around, then that would be more appealing and you can be sure they would remember that for next week!

Fifth, there are rewards or bribes but there are also punishments. Gum is a favorite choice for our boys. If they are good they may have gum afterwards. If they are not good, not only do they not get gum but they also spend time on the bench in the utility room or they loose certain privileges.

Finally, we also try to train them to sit patiently for extended periods of time. For instance, we require that they sit quietly, reverently, and participate, as much as they are able, in the daily family rosary. This training, in the comfort of our own home, provides a good lesson in patience - for them and us!

Our training also consists of challenging them to listen for certain words or stories in the readings. My wife and I read the readings for ourselves and then as we are driving to Mass we challenge the boys to count how many times they hear this word or listen for this person's name. We also try to review the Gospel with them beforehand in a way they can understand, even reading it from a children's bible. So often they will look up at us or touch our hand when they hear something familiar in the readings. This is a practice that I hope they will carry on into their adult life.

These are some of the ideas that we have employed over the years or at least the ones that have worked the best for us and our children. This doesn't mean that they are little angels at every Mass. It means that going in, we and they know the rules, they know what is expected and the majority of the time they meet and exceed those expectations. We thoroughly enjoy taking them all to Mass and never dread it. Some days are better than others but hey, that's life!

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Comments

Sarah Reinhard said…
Some great ideas, Jim. We haven't gotten brave enough to try the front pew, but then we only have one little munchkin so far... I have found going to daily Masses helped during the most difficult parts - hubby could tell the weeks we had been to a daily Mass, because Toddler-tron was less Toddler and more Peaceful. It's only an hour or so. They sit for longer watching movies! (Well, mine, not so much, but many kids!)
This is one I can just so relate to. My high-energy boys are 6 and 4 1/2. They are certainly getting better at going to Church. We can't let them sit next to each other though. The younger one instigates the older one, so we sit Parent, Child, Parent, Child.

While I applaud your ability to have your children sit quietly for the rosary, I have never been able to get my kids to do it. I do say 1 decade with them every night, but they truly seem incapable of sitting still for it. I figure it is better that they pray while moving than not pray at all.

Thank you for your good suggestions.

Patrice Fagnant-MacArthur
http://spiritualwomanthoughts.blogspot.com
Anonymous said…
Great suggestions and as I know from experience, they work. Moving to the front pew was the best thing we ever did. The only thing that we did differently is separate the kids - but with two it's a bit easier to do that.
Anonymous said…
Great suggestions! My husband loves to sit up front so /he/ doesn't get distracted, glad to think it works with little kids too. :P
Anonymous said…
I would assume that your children are older than mine... I have 3-year-old twins, and it has been a struggle trying to not become that family everyone recognizes and dreads seeing every week. We have no choice but to keep them in the "crying room", as they still need to be reminded constantly to whisper and sit still. They're slowly getting the concept, and each week is better than the last. I think the important thing is that we are attending mass, paying attention, and making the effort in general when many other parents would not. We have a small diaper bag of toys, along with a book of prayers they like to look at. I don't feel that this is disrespectful at all... We always make sure that every item is picked up before we leave, as should all parents. We explain to them why we are at church and point out different aspects of the mass. I suppose some people would try to make me feel guilty about this, but most of the children in the crying room are a lot older than they are. They are normal, well-behaved children who are getting used to the idea that there's one place and time each week that they have to sit still and be respectful. That's a tall order for twins!
Anonymous said…
I would agree that some of your tactics are good, especially the idea of sitting in the front pew to help eliminate distractions.
However I would like to point out to you that some of those very things are what made myself and my siblings (6 of us) move away from attending mass on Sundays as adults. My father always made sure we went to mass and was fairly strict about our attention. He would meet with us after church and go over the gospel and homily to see if we were listening. He also did the family rosary time and spent time with us on confession, stations, holy days, and we all went from kindergarten to 12th grade to Catholic School. None of us attend mass regularly. Be careful and mindful of how you treat your children. Teach them about their faith, don't associate it with punishment.
James M. Hahn said…
I have to take issue with this last post. I think it unfair to put your experience on others. I hardly think that the reason you are not attending Mass regularly is because you had to go when you were younger. To me that is a very immature approach. The only thing that really keeps us from Mass is sin and/or a misunderstanding of what the Mass really is. To blame your father's efforts is shameful. I do teach my children about the faith both in word and deep. The punishment is for misbehaving the same as it would be for misbehaving in an eating establishment or store. The punishment has nothing to do with the teaching the faith but teaching them how to act in certain situations, teaching them manners, and respect for others and their space. My prayer is that you will deal with your own issues and return to the Faith. I would recommend the book Loving the Holy Mass by Fr. Edward Maristany to see what the mass really is. My prayers are with you!
Anonymous said…
While these are excellent ideas, what ideas do you have for a child that's not quite old enough to understand. I have an almost two year old who's a bit behind developmentally. While he's bright enough, keeping him engaged is a serious struggle. As my husband is not Catholic, I leave him and my son at home on Sundays.

Any suggestions for wee ones?
Amanda #1 said…
I know this is an old post, but I had to thank you for it. I was just asking other mom's if I was doing something wrong in chuch--my DS is one year old. We just started going to church regularly. He behaves remarkably well, but I do spend a good chunk of time holding him on my lap--I dont' get a whole lot out of mass these days. Everyone I asked suggested that I bring a snack or take him to the nursery *eye roll* These are not options for me. Like you, I feel food in church is disrepectful. And I feel that taking him to the nursery to play when he misbehaves is teaching him all the wrong things. I'm just so grateful that I'm not alone in my beliefs!

I do have to ask though: when your kids were younger, did you get much out of mass?
James M. Hahn said…
Amanda, Our oldest is 7 and the youngest is 1 (with another due in May). Each mass is different. Sometimes we can really enter into the mass and others, well...it is difficult. What my wife and I have found to be helpful is to read the readings for mass before hand. This way, if we are stuggling with a child we will have at least an idea about the readings and the homily. We can piece things together in this way if we are taken out of the Mass. I think there is a lot of grace that comes from stuggling to keep focused all the while dealing with the kids - and doing this without becoming upset. Don't be discouraged, that won't help anything and be sure it doesn't come from God. God wants you and your child to be there! Someone else doesn't!!!
Palukita said…
When my children were small,I didn't go much to Mass with them. When I did, I used to take them to mass by myself because my husband worked and really wasn't interested in going. There are 6 of them. The oldest is 10 years older than the youngest, so it was quite a task. I began taking them all when the oldest was 11 and the youngest 1. I used to take picture prayer books and for the youngest, snacks. Snacks turned out to be a bad idea, because when they ran out, he made more of a fuss because he wanted more. The plan changed to a promise of a visit to 7/11 for a snack if they behaved well enough during Mass. If one of them didn't behave, everybody who did behave got a snack, but not the one who misbehaved. This helped behavior a lot. There were, though, several times where we walked out of mass because I was so angry with the misbehaving that I didn't feel it was proper to stay as my anger took over my spiritual wants. We usually sat in the same area so the kids became familiar with where to go. Getting them to understand what was going on and to understand the true beauty of the Mass is still an ongoing task. They are now 22-12. They still fool around a bit, but a stern look gets them back on track and the 7/11 rule is still in play. I now try to talk to them, usually the youngest ones, while Mass is going on. I ask them if they got the message, and if not quickly explain it to them. There's usually enough time in between t do this. Also, after Mass we go over what the homily was about and how it's message can help us in our everyday lives. The whole point is to bring your children to Mass and give them that formation as young children. It takes a lifetime to continue to "get" something out of mass and each time we go is not always rewarding as the last. The grace of God will always be there for you and them and if you persist in teaching them and doing anything you can to get them there, they will, hopefully, continue thier own search when they leave the nest. A house built on a foundation of stone can wether any storm. Many blessing to all who have taken on the huge task of raising a family.