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Catch up on the other habits and blog posts here)
Habit #4 of Holy Catholic Families
With 8 children you tend to accumulate some toys. Like others we keep what is fun, creative, and well-made. The rest we move towards the recycling bin or Goodwill. I firmly believe that China has risen to power precisely because of the amount of cheap plastic items that have flowed into and through our little domestic kingdom.
In the Hahn house there is no shortage of Lincoln Logs, Matchbox Cars, or Legos. Our Fisher-Price cupboards floweth over with plastic fruit, cups, and plates. Our two daughters have more babies that we’ll ever have. There are train tracks, race tracks, and loaded backpacks. If we donated all of our children’s books to the local library they would need to add a wing to the building. We’ve been blessed but when it comes time for things to be picked up and put away, it feels like a curse. I believe we have more than our fair share of stuff and I live in fear that one day there will be an reckoning. I imagine it like the Parable of the man and the talents, “sir, I knew you were a demanding man, reaping where you did not sow, gathering what you did not scatter, and so I have buried these Legos in the registers and sofas....but I think there’s now more than you gave me….”
We could easily open a child play area and kids would never have to play with the same toy twice, ever. Yet with all of this wealth of toys, our children still manage to fight over items. I am often angrily amused that two human beings of the same flesh and blood can lie in the midst of nearly a billion different Lego blocks and still find one single block to fight over. From the safety of the sofa, ready to throw a personal flotation device to any child that cries for help from the depths of multi-colored, razor sharp pieces of plastic, I hear the cry, “No, I had it first!”
My blood runs cold as the argument grows to a crescendo. Images of Cain and Abel float before my mind’s eye. Original Sin is present at this moment reminding me that Satan never sleeps and now that he has sown discord amongst my children, he’s off to sow glitter on my black suit.
Our God is generous beyond measure. Look at the oak tree, He gives not one acorn but thousands. God cannot be outdone in generosity. The habit of Win-Win is changing our way of thinking from “there’s only so many Lego’s to go around” to “there are more than enough Lego’s for everyone.” Cain viewed the world through a Win-Lose mentality. He thought that if God favored Abel, there must not be enough blessing left for him. Throughout Scripture and in fact throughout history we see Win-Lose thinking, Lose-Lose thinking, and Lose-Win thinking. Our goal is to challenge and teach our children (and ourselves) Win-Win thinking, to think with the mind, mercy, justice, and generosity of God. This 4th Habit can help us do just that.
Habit #4 - Think Win-Win
The first three habits train us in personal growth, development, and self-mastery. They are all focused on making us better people. They help us be proactive rather than reactive. They teach us to set goals, make a plan, and prioritize the things we need to do to achieve those goals.
Habit #4 - Think Win-Win is the first habit that brings in interaction with others. We cannot successfully have any type of relationship with another without self-mastery. Habit #4 takes the previous 3 habits and gives us the opportunity to share them with others through positive interaction. Let’s take a look at Win-Win but also the relationship situations we want to avoid.
Win-Lose This way of thinking says, “I always win, you always lose.” Thinking this way causes us to use others for our personal gain. It makes us jealous of another’s good fortune or even envious of them to the point of want to destroy what they have. With our Lego analogy it sees getting that one piece as the highest priority regardless of how it affects another, even if what they have created needs to be destroyed to gain it!
Lose-Win This way of thinking says, “I’m not going to stand up for myself, you win, I’ll lose.” Thinking this way causes us to become a doormat for others. It makes us hide our true feelings and not stand up for what we really feel is important. With our Lego analogy it sees giving up the piece we really want or even need as the easiest path. Continually travelling that path, giving up every piece of Lego we really want, leaves us worn out and depressed with no self-respect.
Lose-Lose This way of thinking says, “If I can’t win, neither can you or anyone else.” Thinking this way makes us shallow, bitter, and cold. There’s a story that when you put crabs in a bucket, if one starts moving toward the top, the others will pull him back down. That’s Lose-Lose!! Again, using our Lego image it’s an attitude that if I can’t have what I want neither can you. If I can’t have this piece, you can’t either and I’ll just throw it in the trash.
Win-Win This way of thinking says, “I can succeed and so can you! In fact, we can do better together!” Thinking this way causes us to look for solutions that fit everyone’s needs. It makes us more empathetic but allows us to stand up for ourselves at the same time. With our Lego image, it is us working with another to find a solution where we are both happy, where there’s no loser, only winners. Win-Win thinks generosity and searches, with love, for a solution. With Win-Win we find true joy for the success of another human being and they find joy in us.
Memory Device
We use the memory device Pi for a couple of reasons. First, the number is basically never ending*. It goes on and on and on. Second, since Pi helps us with circles we can’t help but think of the food, pie. Who doesn’t want a never ending pie. So, that’s what Win-Win brings to mind, a never ending pie. There’s enough for everyone. Thinking Win-Win is winning thinking and makes sure there’s a place for everyone and all can be happy. The other ways of thinking are small minded and ultimately lead to a bad end for someone.
This habit can be especially difficult for large families where there is competition for everything from attention to shower time and from Legos to pie! Having the Pi memory device is a fun way to remind everyone of God’s love and that He cannot be outdone in generosity. Training our children to be generous without allowing others to walk all over them is a great way to train them in Win-Win thinking.
*The record for reciting the most number of decimal places of Pi was achieved by Rajveer Meena at VIT University, Vellore, India on 21 March 2015. He was able to recite 70,000 decimal places. To maintain the sanctity of the record, Rajveer wore a blindfold throughout the duration of his recall, which took an astonishing 10 hours!
Faith Connection - Winning and Losing in Scripture
Win-Lose - As mentioned earlier, a great example of this is Cain and Abel. Cain’s “not enough” mentality drove him to destroy his brother. He “won” but ultimately lost the most in the long run.
Lose-Win - We can view the events in the Garden of Eden as a Lose-Win situation. Through intimidation Adam & Eve don’t speak up for themselves or call upon God for help. They allow Satan to enter into the world. We and they lose and Satan wins, if only for a time. When we sin, the same thing happens, we enter into a Lose-Win situation with Satan. This may be the only time where it’s a good idea to have a Win-Lose situation!!
Lose-Lose- We need look no further than the stories of King Saul. His jealousy of David set him on a course to destroy David. Saul hated the fact that God was replacing him with David as King and had the mentality that if he couldn’t be King, no one could.
Win-Win- There are numerous examples of Win-Win in the Bible. In fact, we could say that the whole story is an attempt by God to make the outcome Win-Win. His mercy is unending. He wants us to be in Heaven with Him and so He sends His only Son. Just win it looks like it’s a Lose-Win situation (Jesus loses on the Cross and Sin prevails), it’s turned on its head to be a Win-Win (Jesus conquered death and sin and rises from the dead!!)
Sacrament Connection - Reconciliation/Confession/Penance
Reconciliation turns Win-Lose, Lose-Win, and Lose-Lose into a Win-Win. We sin with Win-Lose when we put winning above all else. We sin with Lose-Win we don’t speak up for ourselves and others. Often these are sins of omission. We sin with Lose-Lose when we decide that if we can’t have something, neither can anyone else. Lose-Lose fills us with jealousy, envy, and anger.
Win-Win can be seen in Reconciliation in the fact that we are repairing the losing side of each situation. We “win” when we repent and return to God. God “wins” when His children return to Him with humble, contrite, and loving hearts.
Virtue / Vice Connection - Charity(Love)/Envy
"Charity begins at home but should not end there.” - Thomas Fuller
Charity fits our 4th Habit well. True charity is not a handout or donation to some cause. True charity is the virtue by which we love God above all things and our neighbor as ourselves. In loving our neighbor, we want what is best for him or her. Wanting want is best is wanting a Win-Win situation for all. Our love, or charity, allows us to see God’s image in others and never see them or ourselves as losers. Envy causes us to compare ourselves to others and then hate the other for our perceived shortcomings. Unlike charity, it causes us to want bad things for others.
5 Practical Steps
Discuss times that were anything but Win-Win and how those situations can be corrected. (This should be done with care, not laying blame, not creating more “losers” but in an objective, broad view approach almost as if looking at another family.)
Look for ways to create Win-Win situations over the next week. (arguing over chores, invading personal space, etc., how can these situations be changed.
Examine a recent news story as a family and discuss what type of thinking was involved and how it could be changed to Win-Win if needed.
See if your family can identify one or more of the 4 modes of thinking in any of the Sunday or daily readings.
Kill the TV, Internet, etc., and spend a day playing with toys and games. Look for opportunities to promote Win-Win thinking!
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