Habit #5 - Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
The two boys came charging into the kitchen screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. I could barely make out what they were saying. As soon as one took a breath, the other would start yelling and so this continued for some time.
I couldn’t understand what they were fighting about. Heck, I couldn’t even hear myself think! Add to the chaos a 2 year-old crying and tugging on my pants for attention and my kettle boiled over.
“Enough”, I screamed, drowning out their weak voices. “You”, I said pointing to the oldest, “go sit on the bench in the utility room.” I turned on the other, “you, go sit on the stairs.” I then turned my attention to the toddler attached to my right leg. “What?? What do want, why are you crying?” His response was, of course, more tears.
I can’t remember if the above scenario happened in real life but I know it’s happened at least 100 times over the past 18 years. I’m sure it’s happened in your home as well. It’s part of family life but it’s draining. In the end, everyone feels terrible. These things usually sort themselves out and dissipate but is there a better way?
To help illustrate the importance of Habit #5, Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood, we would do well to use our imagination and see how the preceding situation escalated and exploded.
The younger of the two boys walked into their shared bedroom and found the older boy’s Nerf gun lying on the floor. Just as he picked it up to place it on his older brother’s bed, the older brother walked in the room. Not taking the time to find out what was going on, the older brother began to yell at the younger for touching his Nerf gun. The younger, mad at the older one for not taking the time to listen to an explanation, began yelling back. The yelling escalated, flowed out of the bedroom, and down the stairs into the kitchen. The adult (me) frustrated with a crying two-year-old, took out his frustration at both the toddler and the arguing by yelling at the older boys and sending them into exile to cool off. Victorious in his conquest of the arguing brothers, the adult continued his domination of the kingdom by intimidating the 2 year-old…
I don’t know the actual statistics but I would guess that most conflicts in the world and in the home are caused by miscommunication. Our paradigms can cause us to push our will upon everyone within reach or earshot. Not taking the time to see the world from another’s point of view is detrimental to our relationships and our own well-being. Many of us would have much fuller, richer lives if we took the time to walk in another’s shoes, even if they are only a toddler size 5.
Seeking First to Understand, then to be Understood, Habit #5, is crucial for any human relationship. It’s especially crucial and helpful in a family. When we see that someone is truly listening to us (this doesn’t mean they necessarily agree with us) we feel loved and appreciated. When we sense that they really desire to understand our point of view, it can help us more fully understand our point of view. Active listening to understand can actually clarify a point of view for both the listener and the speaker. I can’t count how many times expressing my thoughts to my wife has helped me see my own thoughts more clearly while helping her to understand my point of view.
Habit #5 is not easy. It takes practice. From our youth we are trained to be understood, to express ourselves in ways that others can understand. We even have classes focused on speech and communication. However, I’ve never taken a “listening” class, a class that teaches me to truly listen to another. Habit #5 is more than simply listening. It’s not listening to respond. It’s not listening to solve a problem. It’s not merely listening to words and mimicking those back to the speaker. It’s empathetic listening. It’s trying to truly understand the other’s point of view, to see the situation and world through their eyes.
All of the habits are beneficial for you and your children. However, this one habit, practiced well, has the potential to change the dynamics of your family. But remember, this habit cannot stand alone, they all build upon each other. We can’t listen well, we can’t Seek first to Understand, then to be Understood if we don’t have a Win-Win mentality. We won’t have a Win-Win mentality if we aren’t putting First Things First. We can’t put First Things First if we don’t have an End in Mind. Finally, nothing good happens, we can’t have an End in Mind, if we aren’t Pro-Active. They all work together to help us become the best we can be.
Memory Device - L3S
We use the memory device L3S to remind us to Listen, Listen, Listen, Speak. Listening is done mainly with the ears and we have two of those. The words we hear through our ears help us to hear the ideas of another. The words that come into our ears are the expressed thoughts of another but there is always deeper meaning behind those words. The 3rd Listen comes from listening with the heart. This is empathy. It is listening to what is really being said beyond the words and trying to see the world through the other’s eyes. So 2 L’s for the ears and one L for the heart. S is obviously for Speak. The best way to see if you truly understood what the other said is to repeat it back to them as you understood it (not parroting or mimicking). This gives them the opportunity to confirm or correct your understanding. After you confirm with them that you understand them to their satisfaction, it’s their turn to listen and your turn to be understood. L3S.
Faith Connection - Listening to God
“This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to Him.” - God the Father (Matthew 17:5, cf. Mark 9:7). If you are like me when it comes to prayer you’d probably like to change our memory device to - S3L. How often I find myself jabbering on in my prayer life. I’m sure God is trying to get a word in edgewise but I won’t take a breath! Yes, we are to speak to God as a friend, confidant, and Lord. If I spoke to my friends or family in the same way I speak to God, I wouldn’t have any friends because I often don’t take enough time to listen.
L3S is crucial when it comes to our life of faith. It isn’t easy but we must continually strive to try to understand God’s will for us before we ask to be understood by Him. But don’t despair! God is a patient listener and He often allows us to go on and on so that we can reveal our thoughts and desires not only to Him but to ourselves. Like a good friend who listens without attempting to solve all of our problems, the Lord listens patiently and helps talk us through our own thoughts.
L3S in our faith life can be done well with our listening:
1) to His word in scripture (hopefully daily)
2) to His word in the sacraments (Reconciliation and Eucharist as often as possible), and
3) to His word in our hearts (like the seed that grows in the silence of the earth, our hearts and understanding can grow with times of silence). After this, we Speak to Him telling Him how we understand what He is saying and asking Him to confirm or correct...and the relationship grows….
Sacrament Connection - Matrimony
“Christ is the source of this grace. "Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony." Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another's burdens, to "be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love. In the joys of their love and family life he gives them here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb…” (CCC 1642)
The Church and the Lord have high ideals for marriage. These ideals can only be strived for through grace. Marriage is work and a great marriage is a living example of Habit #5. When spouses truly seek to understand one another, in the light of grace, God is able to help them weather the storms of the world. That “supernatural, tender, and fruitful love” can only arise when husband and wife listen to one another. Marriage is a constant living of Habit #5.
Virtue/Vice Connection - Anger/Prudence
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