This is one of a series of chapters from my book about life with our special-needs daughter, Catherine.
Start at the beginning here. Read the previous chapter here.
A Book That Changed the World
On Friday March 12th, 1999 I sat quietly in the home of my parents staring at their new Dell computer. It was around 9 PM when I pushed the power button and listened as plastic and metal whirred to life. The process of quietly coming into the house, pushing the power button, and waiting impatiently as the whizzing, beeping, and buzzing told me the dial-up internet connection was reaching out to the rest of the world, was now part of my regular Friday night routine.
In the spring of 1998 I experienced a massive conversion back to my Catholic faith. It was almost instantaneous and came about through reading one book. At the time I was living in a trailer with a friend and we were partying fairly regularly and with gusto. My brother, who you now know as the man in black and who at the time was discerning the priesthood, had given me two books with the hope that I might return to my senses and my faith. The first book was
The Faith of Millions by Rev. John A. O’Brien. Judging by the cover I knew it was nothing I wanted to read. I knew what my brother was trying to do and wanted no part of it.
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| Original cover artwork of Pierced by a Sword |
The second book the man in black handed to me was
Pierced by Sword by Bud McFarlane Jr. It looked like a cheesy dime-store novel you might flip through while waiting in the doctor’s office or barber shop. There was man and a woman drawn on the cover of the mostly brown paperback. Between them there was an image of the sun with a person either falling into the sun or out of the sun, I couldn’t tell which. In the center of the person’s chest, the one falling, two rays shot out and down. I wish I could say that it was at that moment I heard a voice say, “
tolle, lege, tolle, lege”, but I didn’t. The cheesiness of the novel and the fact that it wasn’t written by a priest appealed to me. I remember reading the front cover, then the back, then the title page, then the intro, then...I fell, not into the sun but into the book.
I wasn’t much of a reader at the time but I began devouring the book. I identified with the characters because they too were broken and like me didn’t realize it yet. It showed me that living a life of faith isn’t always as clean and pristine as Mass. I saw in that book broken people living in a broken world yet guided by faith and tethered to reality by hope. It changed my life, it changed history.
Bud McFarlane Jr. wrote that book not knowing the impact it would have on so many. Here was one man sharing his gifts and talents with the world without any thought of the way it could change the world. His book brought me back to the Catholic Faith or at least propelled me in the right direction and away from the abyss. It put me on a trajectory to visit his website. It was there that I made friends from all over the world who had also read the book. On this website, in a certain chat room I began a conversation with a young lady about that book and many other books we had both read. Her screen name was: NicoleMarie.
After my conversion I returned to the sacraments, became involved with the local Knights of Columbus council, and even began teaching religious education to the 7th and 8th grade public school students; many of which went with me in 2002 to see St. John Paul II in Toronto, Canada. And so now my wild Friday nights of partying had been replaced by Lenten Fish Frys, Stations of the Cross, and then Adoration. After Adoration I’d drive to my parents to chat with NicoleMarie and anyone else who may show up on
www.catholicity.com
The sound of the dial-up connecting stopped and the search-bar appeared on the behemoth Dell. I entered the website and waited…
….NicoleMarie has entered the Grotto…
The words flashed on the screen and I smiled. We were the only ones in the “Grotto”, for now.
It was our meeting place for tonight. There were a number of different chat rooms named for the grounds of a virtual church and people met in these rooms and wandered in and out looking for friends.
Our conversations began with books and became more in-depth and lengthy. I often found myself driving back to my apartment well after midnight and after three or more hours of chatting with her and others. We got to know each other through those Friday night “dates” and sometimes an email or two through the week. (I recently found a binder with nearly all of our emails printed out on paper, I hope to read through those soon) We were able to share with each other our faith, thoughts, hopes, and dreams without physical distraction. I got to know her and she got to know me over the course of 6-7 months before we ever met in person.
We did finally meet in person at the Defending the Faith Conference at the
Franciscan University of Steubenville in July of 1999. Her family agreed to allow her to come to Ohio as long as they could come too. My family felt the same way. Our families met at the Conference and there was an instant connection between all of us. I can still see Nicole standing with her back to me in the Finnegan Fieldhouse khaki pants and t-shirt, grey I think. I said, “Nicole?”. She turned around and we embraced for the first time. It was more like meeting up with an old friend than meeting someone for the first time face-to-face. She nervously said, “
I thought you were taller”. I’ve never let her live that down.
My pastor and friend, Fr. Richard Pendolphi was at the conference too along with his friend, Fr. Kevin Lutz. They offered to take the two of us out for pizza in Steubenville and we accepted. Our first real date was chaperoned by two priests. We were off to a good start…
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| Cedar Falls in the Hocking Hills |
We continued our online talks supplemented by snail mail and email. We would fly back and forth often from August to December of 1999. When she visited she stayed with my parents and I at my apartment in town. When I visited Louisiana I stayed in they guest room and had the chance to meet her 11 aunts and uncles on her dad’s side. I grew to love her and her family and she did the same. I asked her to marry me on one of her visits to Ohio. It was New Year’s Eve Day 1999 at
Cedar Falls in the Hocking Hills. Y2K was supposed to happen so I thought if she said no, she wouldn’t be able to leave and I could change her mind...
Luckily I didn't have to change her mind. She said, "yes" and her family agreed. We continued our long-distance relationship by phone, email, mail, and our online chats. We flew back and forth often. Those were the days when we could walk one another through security and right up to the gate. I remember so often standing at the window watching her plane leave Columbus.
On my first my first visit to Louisiana I distinctly remember sitting on the sofa with Nicole after her family had gone to bed. I think we were watching TV or talking when she turned to me and asked,
"would you be okay with us not kissing? I know that that can lead to other stuff and it's easier to not start at all, maybe save our first kiss for our wedding day if that's where this is leading?"
I'm not sure if that's what she said but that is the gist of it. I was a little shocked but at the same time I wasn't. Over the previous 8 months or so we had gotten to know each other pretty well through our regular online conversations about nearly everything. I was smitten by this woman and would do whatever she asked so I agreed. We decided to not kiss until the priest told us we may at the altar. We kept to that and our very first kiss was in the sanctuary of
The Visitation of Our Lady Catholic Church in Marrero, Louisiana at our wedding!
This “chance” meeting online, this long-distance conversation and eventual romance, this meeting at FUS, this spark of love and life, and many lives, was propelled into place by a book. If it weren’t for that book there’d be no Jim and Nicole Hahn, no Anthony, Christopher, William, or Samuel. There wouldn’t be a Becket, Isabella, Daniel, nor a Catherine if it weren’t for Pierced by a Sword and Bud McFarlane Jr. allowing God to use his talents in a way that leads others toward our Heavenly goal.
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| Catherine looking at a book 5/06/20 |
One may look at Catherine today and ask, "
what can she give to the world? How can she make a difference? What talents does she have to use that gives glory to God or leads others toward Heaven?" It's a fair question and one I've thought about often. Unfortunately these types of questions come from a world-view that says one is only as valuable as they are productive. God's view is different, it is one that says a person is valuable because they are made in His image and likeness. They need not produce anything, their very existence is a blessing, your very existence is a blessing. Their life, regardless of productivity, talents, beauty or lack thereof, is immeasurably valuable. They give the world a glimpse of love, God's love, a love that is selfless. They wear no masks, presume nothing, use no one for gain. They show us how to enjoy the moment, not chasing after the next shiny object to pass before our eyes. Catherine and others like her place heavy demands on us that pull us out of a world that is focused on self. Their smiles demand a smile in return. Their gentle spirits demand our attention. Their needs demand our love and compassion and that we step outside ourselves. As Vatican II has taught us, “
man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself” (Gaudium et Spes 24) . Catherine and others like her with "special-needs" help us to find ourselves through giving ourselves.
It’s amazing how chance encounters can change the trajectory of a life. Whether they are actually chance encounters or part of a well choreographed design, I can’t say. What I can say is that it is amazing to sit back and take a look at how God has worked in our life. Maybe the chance encounter you are destined for is right around the corner or maybe it’s reading this book. Regardless, never be afraid to use your talents for God. Never be afraid to give of yourself. It is how you will truly find yourself and you have no idea how He plans to bless you and others for generations to come!
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God bless you - Jim Hahn
* Contains affiliate links. No, that doesn't mean that the kids should leave the room. Rather, it means that if you click on a link, and if you purchase something, I may get some financial remuneration for that click and buy. All that means is that my kids will finally get to eat, just kidding but I may get something, just so you know...
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