Yesterday, by chance, I ran into my biggest critic in the washroom at work. I've known him for as long as I can remember and while we obviously aren't the best of friends, I do give weight to his opinion; maybe too much weight.
"Hey," I said, "just curious, do you not like me personally or just my work?"
He looked me directly in the eyes, "To be honest, I don't like anything about you. I think your writing sucks, your marriage and family are a sham, the work you do for the Church is a waste of time, and all of the things you post on social media are sad attempts to make you feel better about yourself. Jim, I don't like you and as long as we're both walking on this earth, I'll do everything in my power to see you fall, fail, and be humiliated."
I didn't respond. I stared blankly back at him. I looked down at the sink and washed my hands. When I finished washing my hands and looked at him again, he was still glaring at me in the mirror. I smiled at him, he smiled back. I winked at him, he winked back. My biggest critic and hater of all that I am and do, is me.
Have you ever experienced this? Do you too have that nagging voice in your head that continually berates you and makes you second guess yourself? Do you hear that ever creeping doubt about your work, your efforts, your relationships, your life encouraging you to quit at every moment? Just me? (there it is again)
If you've ever watched a documentary about Navy Seal training you'll most certainly be familiar with "the bell". The bell is positioned on the training ground and whenever a trainee reaches his or her breaking point, the point when they feel they just can't continue with the training, they are encouraged to walk up and ring the bell three times indicating that they have voluntarily quit. I used the word encouraged in the last sentence because throughout training they are in fact encouraged to ring the bell. It's yet another stressor designed to eliminate those who do not have the mental toughness to continue. Having never been a Seal, trained for it, or even been in the military, I pass no judgement on these individuals. Rather I stand in awe of every one who tried and failed or made it.
My critic is a relentless drill sergeant who is constantly encouraging me to ring the bell and tap out of my work, hobbies, relationships, and even life. He uses every tactic in the book. He criticizes, he mocks, he pushes, he hates on me, he tempts, nothing is off limits for this guy:
"Your work is pointless, just stop and ring the bell. Wouldn't you rather be doing something else right now?"
"Your marriage is falling apart, she doesn't love you, she thinks you're crazy, she loves someone else, wouldn't life be better with someone else or alone? Ring the bell, quit your marriage, start over."
"Your writing is pointless, no one reads it and no one cares, you'll never be a famous author, you are wasting your time. Just ring the stinking bell. You could be doing far more productive things with your time and be better appreciated. Ring it!"
"Why are you exercising? You know you're you are just going to grow old, fat, and die right? Eat, drink, be merry, ring the bell. Why not enjoy what little time you have here instead of making yourself miserable through exercising a condemned body? Ring the bell, have a donut and a bourbon."
"Does your imaginary friend ever hear you? Does He speak to you? Do you hear His voice? Ring the bell, there is no God. He's not going to save you. Did he save your Dad or your brother? Did He hear those prayers for their healing? Ring the bell and be free of all the commandments, precepts, rules, regulations, and all the things that keep you from really enjoying your life."
After 51 years, I now realize that I have rung the bell so many times that I could play a symphony with the all of the tintinnabulation over the years. Maybe that's the actual cause of my tinnitus!!
Following my conversation with my critic and the realization that I've been a persistent bell ringer I've decided that what I most need in life right now is to stop ringing the bell. I need perseverance and the mental toughness to vow never to ring the bell again.
Yesterday I made a chart of all the things I want to work on in my life: writing, reading, exercise, marriage, relationships, work, etc. My goal is to check off the things on that chart without missing a day for any reason. A missed goal is a ringing of the bell; no matter the excuse. At the top of the chart in large, bold print I have these 4 letters - SRtB (Stop Ringing the Bell). It's a reminder that I keep in front of me constantly to help me tell the drill sergeant to take a hike. So, when I want to get in my three miles but it's raining and he says, "it's raining, make it up tomorrow, stay dry...ring the bell", I'll have the extra incentive to go walk and walk an extra mile to shut him up. When I set down to write but get distracted by children, work, or life and he says, "you can write more another day, no one cares anyway, the tasks of the day should take precedence over this nonsense...ring the bell", I'll be reminded that I never want to ring that bell again.
If you want to see my chart and use it as a template for yourself, let me know. Another thing I learned from studying Seal training is that they aren't necessarily trained to be individual savages, they are trained to be a team. We need each other to "carry the boat" and encourage one another to stop ringing the bell. Reach out if you want to team up and help one another stop ringing the bell.
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